Now I've really one and done it....got strep throat! I need to start taking better care of myself and finding an outlet for all the stress in my life. It just seems like par for the course. It is so easy to feel sorry for myself and just keep being blue. I have to find what works for me to get me out of these blue funks.
I can't go back to work until Thursday and am trying to just rest. Inner reflection is inevitable when you are stuck in bed for two days, feeling punky. Soul searching is so painful right now but it will help with the healing process, the sooner I face and deal with my fears.
I did take one of the hardest steps and talked to my dad. It's nice to know I can always go home. That is where I plan to go to. My best friend questioned whether or not that was healthy for me but I feel it is. I want to go somewhere that I am loved unconditionally, that I feel safe and can "lick my wounds" per say. it is also a familiar place for my son, which is very very important when all the changes start to happen. I want that security there for him.
If I feel better tomorrow, I am going to clean in his room, get rid of anything he has outgrown or worn out. I am ready to start packing, making that move towards the transition that is in my near future.
One of these days, I will look back and read these posts and realize I am doing the best I can for my and him. I am stronger than I have given myself credit for.
I will be better on the other side of this. It just hurts getting there.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Time to get up and face the day, look through the ads, look for good deals on storage tubs! I can do this! I am smart, strong, funny and independent! I am a good person! I have a son who loves me and depends upon me, I have family that loves me and supports me, I have friends that will be there for me!
I am not the first and I will not be the last and I will get through this to come out a better person that I ever thought I would be!!
I am not the first and I will not be the last and I will get through this to come out a better person that I ever thought I would be!!
Countdown
It is 124 days, 16 hours, 17 minutes and 42 seconds until Saturday, March 6, 2010 (Columbus time)
Emotions
I have a lot of emotions running through me. A lot of anger is coming to the surface. I don't want to see him, I don't want to be in the same room with him, I don't want to talk nicely to him. It hurst, deep down inside, that this is happening. This is not what I wanted, this is not what I had planned for my future.
Plans, HA!
I just feel lost, stuck, drifting in uncertainty. Until I move out of this house, that is how it is going to continue to be. I need to focus. I need to clean. I can even start packing stuff up and putting it in the garage so it will be good to go when I am.
Lists are becoming my new best friend. Having things down in black and white helps me to make it through the day.
Why do men always think that their wives are stupid, that we can't see when they are doing something so out of the ordinary that they might as well just have their new "SO" show up at the front door? I am not in denial, I am not stupid, I have to be strong, get through this for my son. I am NOT going to let him get the best of me!
I just don't know exactly how to proceed at times. Like I had said, lists are now my favorite pasttime.
I still have to tell my parents. I am thinking sooner than later at this point. I was going to wait until after the holidays but who am I kidding? They know me too well and I can tell by the way they look at me, they know something is wrong but they will not push me. They want to give me the space I need, knowing I will come to them when I need them. It's nice to have unconditional love like that. That is the kind of love I want my son to grow up with, knowing that he can always come to his mom, no matter when, no matter what.
Plans, HA!
I just feel lost, stuck, drifting in uncertainty. Until I move out of this house, that is how it is going to continue to be. I need to focus. I need to clean. I can even start packing stuff up and putting it in the garage so it will be good to go when I am.
Lists are becoming my new best friend. Having things down in black and white helps me to make it through the day.
Why do men always think that their wives are stupid, that we can't see when they are doing something so out of the ordinary that they might as well just have their new "SO" show up at the front door? I am not in denial, I am not stupid, I have to be strong, get through this for my son. I am NOT going to let him get the best of me!
I just don't know exactly how to proceed at times. Like I had said, lists are now my favorite pasttime.
I still have to tell my parents. I am thinking sooner than later at this point. I was going to wait until after the holidays but who am I kidding? They know me too well and I can tell by the way they look at me, they know something is wrong but they will not push me. They want to give me the space I need, knowing I will come to them when I need them. It's nice to have unconditional love like that. That is the kind of love I want my son to grow up with, knowing that he can always come to his mom, no matter when, no matter what.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Starting over again
And now I find myself facing a new beginning. The emotions that are involved this time are much deeper than before. I didn't expect to find myself here on the brink of 40 and I had hoped to never be here again.
What do you do when you see your relationship just dying in front of you? I have been watching this for the past three years, not seeing any answers that were simple. When it finally came to a head, I was ready to have it end. But now that we have agreed to do so, the real journey for me begins.
The emotions are almost like dealing with a death of someone you were once very fond of. I think of the things I am going to miss. But then I also think of the things that drove me to this point....lies, betrayal, infidelity.
A lot of different thoughts run through my mind at any given moment....how do I tell my son, my family, my friends? When should I move? Nothing is ever as simple as it should be, as each decision I am faced with shapes what my future and the future of my son will be.
This is my journal on finding me again.
What do you do when you see your relationship just dying in front of you? I have been watching this for the past three years, not seeing any answers that were simple. When it finally came to a head, I was ready to have it end. But now that we have agreed to do so, the real journey for me begins.
The emotions are almost like dealing with a death of someone you were once very fond of. I think of the things I am going to miss. But then I also think of the things that drove me to this point....lies, betrayal, infidelity.
A lot of different thoughts run through my mind at any given moment....how do I tell my son, my family, my friends? When should I move? Nothing is ever as simple as it should be, as each decision I am faced with shapes what my future and the future of my son will be.
This is my journal on finding me again.
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