Sunday, November 1, 2009


I have a lot of emotions running through me. A lot of anger is coming to the surface. I don't want to see him, I don't want to be in the same room with him, I don't want to talk nicely to him. It hurst, deep down inside, that this is happening. This is not what I wanted, this is not what I had planned for my future.

Plans, HA!

I just feel lost, stuck, drifting in uncertainty. Until I move out of this house, that is how it is going to continue to be. I need to focus. I need to clean. I can even start packing stuff up and putting it in the garage so it will be good to go when I am.

Lists are becoming my new best friend. Having things down in black and white helps me to make it through the day.

Why do men always think that their wives are stupid, that we can't see when they are doing something so out of the ordinary that they might as well just have their new "SO" show up at the front door? I am not in denial, I am not stupid, I have to be strong, get through this for my son. I am NOT going to let him get the best of me!

I just don't know exactly how to proceed at times. Like I had said, lists are now my favorite pasttime.

I still have to tell my parents. I am thinking sooner than later at this point. I was going to wait until after the holidays but who am I kidding? They know me too well and I can tell by the way they look at me, they know something is wrong but they will not push me. They want to give me the space I need, knowing I will come to them when I need them. It's nice to have unconditional love like that. That is the kind of love I want my son to grow up with, knowing that he can always come to his mom, no matter when, no matter what.

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